In late June, I packed up all my belongings and drove from Chicago to New York City. It’s been my lifelong dream to live here, and there’s only been one thing that truly stresses me out: the overwhelming amount of people. More specifically, the overwhelming amount of people on the Brooklyn Bridge.
Every day, I run across the bridge in order to access the less congested Battery Park. Unfortunately, that means one mile across one of the most popular tourist destinations in the city. Now that I’ve been running across once (sometimes twice) a day, I’ve recognized some familiar faces.
This guy moves for no man or beast. Most pedestrians along the bridge perform a nonverbal game of chicken, but not this guy. You’re gonna have to go around him – he ain’t moving. He is New York’s version of Gandalf the Grey.
The Boomerang Betches
And I’m not talking about the aboriginal hunting weapon. We all know these girls. They travel in groups of three or four. Their Instagram feeds are works of art. For whatever reason, they all revert to frantically jumping up and down for an Instagram boomerang on the bridge. It’s not clever. Please stop.
The Engaged/Married Couple
I totally get it – the bridge is probably a gorgeous place to take your professional pictures. I just hope that you’re ok with seeing me in the background giving you the dirtiest look for blocking the way.
Since when did they host the Tour de France in Brooklyn? These guys are going at least 35 miles per hour down a narrow, two-lane pedestrian walkway. If it hasn’t happened already, at some point in the future they are going to kill someone.
Drunk Citi Bike Riders
The opposite of Lance Armstrong. They’re in town for the weekend, they just had a few bloodies at brunch, and they thought it would be “fun” to ride a bike across the bridge. The problem is, they haven’t ridden a bike since they were in middle school. They’re all over the place – the walk lane, the bike lane. Everyone is annoyed.
Mobile phone guy
Because everyone knows the second you are looking at your phone, you are in another dimension. In a fast-paced city like New York, this is practically a mortal sin. At least 4 people behind you are trying to go around you. Move to the side.
The Darwin Award Candidate
Along the side of the bridge, there are large fences to keep people from, ya know, jumping into oncoming traffic. These tourists are crawling all over them – 99.9% of the time it’s for a picture. They seem to give zero F’s for the cars zipping by below. They compete with Lance Armstrong for potential accidental deaths.
There is a lot to see as you cross the bridge. Unfortunately, these tourists must fully extend their arm and explain it all. And no, they haven’t looked behind them to see if this move is OK. Typically, this results in clotheslining every runner and biker running directly behind them.
The Family Dealing With a Toddler
They’re pushing a hefty stroller and wiping sweat out of their eyes. Little Timmy is screaming that he wants his room temp apple juice. You can see it written on the parents’ faces: this was a mistake.
And now that my vent is over, I should add that at one point in time I was you. I know. New York is a magical place, and I’m sorry if we look like we want to kill you. I promise: the only cure is a little self awareness.